glitches

vegan breakthrough

I'm still vegan!  I have had a few slips- some truly authentic pueblo-made tamales couldn't pass the vegan resolve, as with the delicious indian food in Berkeley.  But I consciously made the decision to eat those foods and I don't regret it.  I eat what I want, and I don't really miss the meat.  At all.  I'm sometimes put out by the lack of options in restaurants, but that's not the end of the world.  It just means I'm not eating big fancy desserts and cheesy-meaty action-packed meals.  It means I've done things like order nachos with extra beans, no cheese for lunch, which turned out to be delicious.

But today I had a real breakthrough.  In the past I've known to have some crazy cravings.  Things like chocolate, cheese, jerky.  I haven't had serious cravings for cheese since the first month, and I indulge the chocolate cravings by eating a little dark chocolate every day.  I don't even want jerky any more.  But you won't believe what I was craving today. Today all I wanted was.... 

beans.  Beans!  Who craves beans?  Me.  the happy vegan.  Beans!  And guess what?  I had tons of beans in the cupboard.  I didn't need to feel resentful for not being able to eat it, I didn't feel like I was missing something, I just went to the cupboard and opened up a jar of fancy greek beans and ate them!  And they were GOOD!  

My name is whylime, and I crave beans.

Victory Song

I have a song on my IPod that makes me tear up almost every time I hear it.  Whenever I’m feeling like I need a reality check or I need a pick-up I play it because it reminds me of what I’m doing, why I’m here, and what I can hope for some day.

In 2008 I was pretty emotionally invested in the Obama campaign.  I even volunteered for the campaign on voting day and ended up standing on a street corner with a big sign urging people to vote for him.  I went door to door canvassing to try to help people get to the polls.  I wanted Obama to win because he had a platform which I supported, but more importantly I wanted him to win because he was a bi-racial man.  I know that might sound small or naïve, but that’s where I am.  Before Richardson dropped out I wanted him to win because he is from New Mexico and he’s Latino.  That’s just how I roll.

The day after the election, Oprah had Will.i.am on her show, where he debuted his new song about the election.  The song is so raw, yet it captures the day so well.  The day after Obama was voted president.

I went to sleep last night, tired from the fight.  I’ve been fighting for tomorrow all my life.  Yeah, I woke up this morning, feeling brand new, ‘cause the dreams that I’ve been dreaming have finally come true.  It’s a new day.

I can identify with this.  I understand fighting for tomorrow, going to bed weary and waking up weary but ready to fight again.  I spend a lot of time in my career scheming my plan to continue the fight.  I fantasize about the day when I can wake up to a dream realized.

It’s been a long time coming.  Up the mountain kept running.  Songs of freedom kept humming.  Channeling Harriet Tubman, Kennedy, Lincoln, and King.  We gotta invest that dream.  It feels like we’re swimming upstream.  It feels like we’re stuck in between a rock and a hard place, we’ve been through the heartaches and lived through the darkest days….

There is such dark history in this country.  America’s past is filled with horrifying memories of darkness interspersed with brilliant flames of inspiration, goodness, and visions of a just humanity.  Whenever I hear this part of the song I’m filled with yearning for that inspiration, and I’m filled with deep and unsettling jealousy for Black Americans, because they have this history rich with powerful and influential leaders, and this history rich with resistance and small victories.

If you and I made it this far, well then, Hey! We can make it all the way.  And they said “No we can’t” and we said “Yes we can.”  Remember, it’s you and me, together.  It’s a new day.

We’ve come so far together.  In the early years of the United States, Black slaves sought refuge with American Indian tribes in the southeast and northeast.   The civil rights movement was important for all Americans, not just Black Americans.  Latinos mobilized during this time and formed important labor groups which helped change the way migrant workers were treated.  American Indians mobilized and tried to reclaim land lost to broken treaties.  In more recent history Japanese Americans were finally recognized for their struggles during the second world war, some Native peoples received justice in the form of recognition that our lives were destroyed through U.S. policies.  Sometimes the deepest and most profound gesture is that of offering an apology, and we get that occasionally, through dribs and drabs of federal policy.  But it's never enough.

It’s been a long time waiting.  Waiting for this moment.  Been a long time praying.  Praying for this moment.  We hope for this moment, and now that we own it, for life I will hold it, and I’ll never let it go.

Oh, how I want this.  I want the federal government to stand up and say “We deliberately and with much forethought did every thing we possibly could to eliminate Native peoples from this country.  And we’re deeply, terribly sorry.  We fucked up in a big way.  We created such a huge mess, it’s going to take an enormous amount of work to try to even start to fix this, and we’re dedicated to fixing the problems we created. “  I want the federal government to say, “Although we can’t bring back your grandparents and great grandparents, we want to fix things now so that your problems will not continue.  We accept our role in creating the devastating health problems, the overwhelming poverty, and the choking suicide in your adolescents, the diabetes, and unacceptable death rates in your communities.   That’s our fault, and we’re now going to do what we can to fix it.  We’re going to funnel money and resources into this problem we created so that it will never happen again.”

It’s for fathers, our brothers, our friend who fought for freedom.  Our sisters, our mothers, who did for us to be in this moment.  Stop and cherish this moment.  Stop and cherish this time.  It’s time for unity, for us and we, that’s you and me, together.

I cherish the fact that we as Americans have done something we thought impossible.  We brought together hope and history and made something good.  I do cherish this.

‘Cause we weren’t fighting for nothing.  And the soldiers weren’t fighting for nothing.  No, Martin wasn’t dreaming for nothing.  And Lincoln didn’t change it for nothing.  And children weren’t crying for nothing.

It’s a new day. 

The thing is, when I hear this song I feel like our people are fighting for nothing.  We’re fighting and dreaming and crying and things aren’t getting any better.  

I spend my days reading and writing about this incredible disparity in survival between American Indians and non-Hispanic whites.  In New Mexico more than half (55%) of Natives die from cancer, where less than a third of non-Hispanic whites will die from the disease.  Same cancers, but the differences (among others) are that Natives don’t get the health care they need to get the early diagnoses and the prompt treatment, and that Natives still see cancer as inevitably fatal, where non-Hispanic whites see it as possibly fatal but still worth going to the doctor about.  We have serious issues, and I’m fighting an uphill battle.  There are lots of us footsoldiers in this war against healthcare disparities, but for all our efforts it sure doesn’t feel like we’re getting anywhere.

I can’t wait for our new day to come.  I can’t wait to feel like our grandfathers and grandmothers endured their struggle so we could see a new day.  I can’t wait to feel anything but overwhelming despair over the problems in our people today.  We’re strong and we’ve made it this far, but will we ever be able to talk about our history as a terrible past and not part of our present?  I can’t wait until we can sing of our resistance in the form of our own victory song.

Wha? Huh?

So I know I sort of dropped off the face of the blogosphere once my month trial was up, but there wasn't a whole lot to write about.  In summary: I've continued with the vegan experience, I've been traveling with the family twice and succeeded in maintaining with only a few slips.  The most surprising vegan treat was the vegan chili I got in Florida at a tiny roadside restaurant in the everglades where they served a lot of alligator.  Not as in they would serve alligators at the bar, but that they ground up alligator and presented it in the form of gator burgers for curious tourists like us.  In fact, sweets enjoyed a gator burger, although he told me it was really just like chicken.  I didn't feel like I was missing much.

Today I observed that for the first time since this started, I've been seriously craving non-vegan food.  Not like a big steak or anything (although my friend's buffalo burger at the local brewery looked really tasty the other night), but more those things which aren't as obviously vegan unfriendly.  Like breakfast burritos.  Tofu scramble is tasty and all (and I have some in the fridge that I need to finish), but for the past few mornings I've really wanted a big potato and egg and cheese and green chile burrito.  With maybe a little bacon, just to spice things up a little.  It's hard to walk away from a breakfast burrito, and when they're good, they're amazing.  I'm not sure that eating a breakfast burrito would actually help with the craving, and I'm not sure what it is about the breakfast burrito that I want, but I know I want one. 

Actually, the whole egg thing is sort of getting me down.  I guess because we have a local source where we could get happy eggs, there's this part of me that believes that a fried egg wouldn't be the end of the world.  A tasty fried egg with some toast- oh, that sounds good.  there's no vegan analog out there to replicate the rich and deliciousness of a fried egg.  Or a soft-boiled egg.  I've been so obsessed with this, the other day I happened to see these awesome egg cups on etsy and I ended up buying two of them.  They were just too amazingly awesome to pass up.  I think I told myself I would use them for paper clips in my office.  I just like the design of egg cups, but there is a part of me which would like to have a good soft boiled egg. 

I've been reading the China Study, trying to remind myself about the evils of a non-plant-based diet.  I'm definitely getting that cow milk is bad on so many levels.  But eggs- other than the whole pre-living thing issue with eggs, I'm just not getting it.  What am I missing?  Why am I being so dense?

And why are vegans so snotty?  I've been lurking on a vegan forum but I can't bring myself to post because there seems to be so many conversational landmines regarding veganism. Can't talk about how it makes the body healthy because hey, there are fat vegans out there too.  And apparently the skinny ones want to you marvel over the fact that they can do three hours of yoga a day, not that they only eat kale and millet.  Can't talk about weight loss because that's just so imposing western ideals on our natural selves.  And I definitely can't raise the whole egg thing because then clearly I'm missing the point and need to be taken out and edumacated for awhile.  gar.

So today's post is all about being disenchanted.  But sticking with it because it still feels right, even if it drives sweets up the freaking wall already.

Oh- and I haven't lost any weight since starting.  because vegan junk food is just as tasty as non vegan junk food.