glitches

Resistance is futile

Working in pain management, I've become pretty familiar with the official definition of addiction.  I have to spend a certain amount of time with patients teaching the difference between dependence (when the body depends on a substance to get the desired result- in pain that means the body depends on a regular infusion of pain medication to avoid both pain and undesirable side effects that happen when the pain medication is abruptly ceased) and addiction.  Addiction is a psychological state where the person will engage in a specific activity despite harmful consequences.  Treating pain is not a harmful consequence, but stealing medication from your grandmother's medicine cabinet can lead to harmful consequences.

I feel like I know a lot about addiction.

And I can honestly say, I am addicted to starbucks.  I compusively return to their crackden whenever given the opportunity.  I willingly spend hard-earned money on their overpriced yet delicious brew.  I defend their business practices to naysayers, even though it does go against my most basic values (shop locally, shop organic, protect the small business-owners).  I don't know what they do with that wicked juice they hawk, but it's got me hooked.

But how can I resist?  I had another perfect starbucks moment just now.  The peanut and I had to go to the drugstore to pick up a few little things.  The drugstore just happens to be conveniently located across the street from starbucks.  As if drawn by the biggest, most powerful magnet ever created, I was pulled into the coffee shop.  I made my embarassingly long list of demands- grande decaf nonfat two pump pumpkin spice latte, no whip.  I ducked to see if anyone I knew was witness to this ridiculous order.  I stood with the other junkies at the other end of the bar and waited.  Five minutes later (I know! long wait!) my brew emerged, steaming hot and ready for the little extra wasteful item- the coffee cup sleeve.  As is my ritual, I thanked the barista (what's up with the name?) and left the shop.  My ritual goes even further (and addictive behavior often has such rituals, I should note...).  I don't drink the coffee until I've left the coffee shop.  Once the doors have swung shut behind me and I've been hit with a blast of cold air, that's when I sip.  I take a good sip, a happy sip, a warming sip, allowing the spicy coffee goodness fill my tastebuds.  I get that hit.  I feel the warmth fill me, I take a deep breath of satisfaction, and then I continue on my walk.  Man, do I love my starbucks.  Even though I know it's expensive and very few of my friends and family share this indulgence, I still go back.  Even though I know the sugar in the pumpkin spice syrup sets me back on my weight loss goals and helps my body set up a hospitable environment for the yeast that plagues me, even though I know they have single-handedly shut down more independent coffee shops than I care to admit.  I can't stop drinking my decaf nonfat two pump pumpkin spice latte no whip.  sigh.  Today's latte is done and I will have to wait until tomorrow.  Until tomorrow, my love.  Until we meet again.

Firm? not so much

I just sold a bunch of exercise DVD's and a step-aerobic thing through Craig's List.  I listed it almost two weeks ago and got no response, and then I felt kind of dumb.  Well, I've felt kind of dumb about the whole thing for awhile now. 

Way back when the lentil was a little babe and I was up all hours in the night nursing him and watching television, I got sucked into watching a certain infomercial advertising an exercise system.  The system came with four DVDs, a step thing, and a plan.  The people doing the system on the ad were so fit, so everyperson, so appealing.  I wanted to look like them.  I wanted to be from north carolina and speak with a sweet drawl.  I don't even know what the hook was that got me interested, but when the lentil was about 6 months, I went online and ordered the system.

I immediately felt foolish.  Who am I to be buying things from infomercials?  And then I felt foolish because the system took about 6 weeks to arrive.  I suppose that's normal for television sales, but for a woman accostumed to the streamlined instant gratification of the internet, it was just taking way too long.  I felt stupid for that.  But the system finally came and I used it.  In fact, I was getting pretty good at it.  But I could never stick with it for more than a few weeks, partly because I'm so completely uncoordinated that I could never get the moves down.  I would inevitably spend important stepping minutes flailing around while they were all moving in careful coordination.  It's a good thing I never take step aerobics at the gym, because you could put an eye out with that thing.  So, uncoordinated=stupid.

I think there's a reason all those former cheerleaders make such a killing in the fitness industry.

So, I just sold the system.  I got a quarter of what I paid for it, which isn't so bad.  The wierd thing about selling it is that I felt like I needed to look good for the buyer, like I was so fit I just didn't need it anymore.  Which, as I think about it, is stupid.  That's like expecting to only buy treadmills from ultra marathoners.  Because, see, they've already run enough miles that they don't need to run in place in front of their television any more.

It was a relief that the buyer was similarly shaped.  I felt we could have bonded over the need for some sort of fitness equipment to make up for our natural faults.  She wasn't overweight, but like me, she wasn't exactly a hardbody.  It was a good trade.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

So I'm doing pretty well with the sugar thing.  This morning I realized I haven't purchased candy in a few weeks, and I'm not craving it as much.  Or at least I didn't crave it yesterday.  Which is a good, albeit small step towards progress.  And I'm back to losing weight, instead of ballooning outward like a macy's parade icon.  That may be due to the running I'm enjoying of late, but I'm not going to ask too many questions.  The end result is that I actually feel pretty good today.  I've turned in my application, I've got another manuscript on the front burner and two on the back.  Our house is about 45% packed, and the lentil is starting to talk about the move as though it's actually happening.

This morning Granny came to watch the lentil.  As he was sitting on her lap, he told her, "I'm going to New Mexico."
"I know, and you and I are going to fly there together!" she replied. "We'll fly to New Mexico, and then who will be waiting for us when we arrive? Your mommy and dada!"
"Yes.  And then we will look for the bouncy buildings up in the air."
"Um, yeah."
Okay, so he's only partly there.  But it's still a start.

my new diet plan

Oh, joy.  I finally was able to turn in my Human Subjects Application, only about four months late.  Why did it take me so freaking long?  I am so slow with this sort of crap.  It's not good, my friends.  not good at all.  As punishment, the universe gave me jammed photocopiers, no parking, rain on my bicycle and me, important people on phone calls and physically there but completely unavailable.  Oh, me oh my.  But I turned it in and I feel like I may have to do revisions but hopefully nothing major.  hopefully.  please, creator, make it easy for me!  Haven't I paid enough for my procrastination?

Today sweets leaves for four nights and five days.  The good news? I will have full time day care each day he's gone.  the bad news? I'm going to miss him terribly.

So today is the start of a new me.  I'm done with sugar, done with craving, done with the whole nine yards.  I'm only eating well from now on.  I'm trying my hardest to do make this majoy adjustment in my life, if only to learn what I can from the process.  I can do this.  At least until the novocaine in my mouth wears off and I can actually eat again.  My new diet plan: dental work.  Thank goodness it was just a cavity.