I spent the past few days in Hollywood. I was very tempted to call it Hollywierd, but that would be just a little too much. But it was, believe me. In the few days that I was there, I saw, walking down the street, with no explanation, men dressed as SpiderMan, SuperMan, Captain Jack from that pirate movie, Another Movie Character who has pins in his head, and a strange and fabulous insect-monster with yellow contacts. Only the strange and fabulous monster was obviously collecting cash for photos. Everyone else was hanging out, just doing their thing. Pinhead and Spiderman were standing together, both playing with yoyos and talking about their days.
I was there for a conference, and I'm still a little confused as to why they would plan a conference for middle-aged women in the hotel better suited for young new hollywood upstarts. My posse, mostly students, were all a little uneasy in the Vegas-like atmosphere around our hotel. I can't imagine what most of the senior faculty members thought. Although, they may have not done much foot touristing, preferring the safety and security of the taxi cab for their sojourning.
The lowest, weirdest point of the entire trip was the shuttle ride from the airport to the hotel. Driven by a homicidal maniac, he zigged and zagged us through the city like we were little tennis balls, rolling about in the trunk of his race car. I truly believe there has to be a life-shortening effect from having watched the speedometer hit 65 while the light 20 feet in front of us remained red. It will turn up on a chart someday, along with the list of other things: 1) Have you ever smoked (subtract 25 years), 2) How regularly do you exercise (add or subtract based on answer), 3) Do you have a family history of heart disease? 4) Have you ever taken Super Shuttle in or around the greater Los Angeles area?
On this shuttle ride, the driver tried to convince all the passengers to take and enjoy his lovely coffee-flavored candies. In an unmarked, suspicious bag. He received and forced us to listen to a lengthy conversation with a person from the DMV, during which he listed all his important personal information, including him home address and phone number. Our vehicle was approached at a stoplight, and all the passengers were solicited to purchase gigantic pixie sticks from a lovely young gentleman. We drove in the "out" driveway at a In and Out burger and then, unsurprisingly, get stuck in traffic. in the parking lot. The driver almost came to blows with a passenger over whether she should start her payment process early, because, as she pointed out, she was paying by credit card and didn't want to hold us up. Okay, maybe not blows, but I was hoping the passenger would start the blows. I would have jumped in. After awhile I started making up lyrics to my own adaptation of "I will survive"
- At first I was afraid, I was petrified
- Kept thinking I would never live through this damn shuttle ride
- Then I spent so many turns just thinking
- how I would not puke
- and wonderning for just one second if the driver forgot me!
- Oh, now go.
- drive down the road.
you get the sense of it.
The highlight was a visit with the lovely and glamorous miss emma and her amazingly adorable and cute and so mellow little L. We had a great time, except for this whole rumor that we would see these "celebrities" she kept speaking of. We shopped (Oh, Anthropologie! Why must you be so tempting!), we ate great amazing wonderful food, we drove around looking for these "celebrities" and she was kind enough to drive me to the airport. And when someone goes to the extra effort to drive one to the airport? That's love, my friends. We also enjoyed making up a new word. Because there's a whole category of words that are much more descriptive adaptation of existing words. When you combine "because" and "except" you get the ever-useful "busept" (in a sentence: I was going to go to soccer practice, busept I sprained my ankle on my way.), when you mix "really" and "allegedly", you get "rellegedly" (as in: "rellegedly, I was at the Donut House during the time the crime took place, busept I was actually visiting my grandmother").
Our new word? a combination of "humiliated" and "mortify." Humilify. Humilification. Humilified. I was humilified to learn that the relleged thief was my cousin.
Let's just say, I was awfully tired and this was awfully funny.
The lentil just woke up, so I'm off to do my mommy thing. Happy week, everyone!