glitches

Hollywood Humilification

I spent the past few days in Hollywood.  I was very tempted to call it Hollywierd, but that would be just a little too much.  But it was, believe me.  In the few days that I was there, I saw, walking down the street, with no explanation, men dressed as SpiderMan, SuperMan, Captain Jack from that pirate movie, Another Movie Character who has pins in his head, and a strange and fabulous insect-monster with yellow contacts.   Only the strange and fabulous monster was obviously collecting cash for photos.  Everyone else was hanging out, just doing their thing.  Pinhead and Spiderman were standing together, both playing with yoyos and talking about their days. 

I was there for a conference, and I'm still a little confused as to why they would plan a conference for middle-aged women in the hotel better suited for young new hollywood upstarts.  My posse, mostly students, were all a little uneasy in the Vegas-like atmosphere around our hotel.  I can't imagine what most of the senior faculty members thought.  Although, they may have not done much foot touristing, preferring the safety and security of the taxi cab for their sojourning.

The lowest, weirdest point of the entire trip was the shuttle ride from the airport to the hotel.  Driven by a homicidal maniac, he zigged and zagged us through the city like we were little tennis balls, rolling about in the trunk of his race car.  I truly believe there has to be a life-shortening effect from having watched the speedometer hit 65 while the light 20 feet in front of us remained red.  It will turn up on a chart someday, along with the list of other things:  1) Have you ever smoked (subtract 25 years), 2) How regularly do you exercise (add or subtract based on answer), 3) Do you have a family history of heart disease? 4) Have you ever taken Super Shuttle in or around the greater Los Angeles area?

On this shuttle ride, the driver tried to convince all the passengers to take and enjoy his lovely coffee-flavored candies.  In an unmarked, suspicious bag.  He received and forced us to listen to a lengthy conversation with a person from the DMV, during which he listed all his important personal information, including him home address and phone number.  Our vehicle was approached at a stoplight, and all the passengers were solicited to purchase gigantic pixie sticks from a lovely young gentleman.  We drove in the "out" driveway at a In and Out burger and then, unsurprisingly, get stuck in traffic.  in the parking lot.  The driver almost came to blows with a passenger over whether she should start her payment process early, because, as she pointed out,  she was paying by credit card and didn't want to hold us up.  Okay, maybe not blows, but I was hoping the passenger would start the blows.  I would have jumped in.  After awhile I started making up lyrics to my own adaptation of "I will survive"

• At first I was afraid, I was petrified
• Kept thinking I would never live through this damn shuttle ride
• Then I spent so many turns just thinking
• how I would not puke
• and wonderning for just one second if the driver forgot me!
• Oh, now go.
• drive down the road.

you get the sense of it.

The highlight was a visit with the lovely and glamorous miss emma and her amazingly adorable and cute and so mellow little L.  We had a great time, except for this whole rumor that we would see these "celebrities" she kept speaking of.  We shopped (Oh, Anthropologie!  Why must you be so tempting!), we ate great amazing wonderful food, we drove around looking for these "celebrities" and she was kind enough to drive me to the airport.  And when someone goes to the extra effort to drive one to the airport?  That's love, my friends.  We also enjoyed making up a new word.  Because there's a whole category of words that are much more descriptive adaptation of existing words.  When you combine "because" and "except" you get the ever-useful "busept" (in a sentence: I was going to go to soccer practice, busept I sprained my ankle on my way.), when you mix "really" and "allegedly", you get "rellegedly"  (as in: "rellegedly, I was at the Donut House during the time the crime took place, busept I was actually visiting my grandmother").

Our new word?  a combination of "humiliated" and "mortify."   Humilify.  Humilification.  Humilified.  I was humilified to learn that the relleged thief was my cousin.

Let's just say, I was awfully tired and this was awfully funny.

The lentil just woke up, so I'm off to do my mommy thing.  Happy week, everyone!

big sad eyes and other lowlights

I’m in Starbucks in Santa Fe, trying to get the internet to cooperate. I came here because they had wireless and it would be so much faster than my dad’s painfully slow dial-up. As it turns out, that’s not the case. The network is not being cooperative and I’m writing this post out on word in the hopes that the network shapes up and I can get back to the internet. Meanwhile, sweets is in the middle of a planning meeting with a non-profit that he hopes to work with.

The drive was long. We left Friday at 3:30, after a frenzied move with three of the most competent and super-human people I’d even had the pleasure to work with. Seriously, I knew the movers would be able to lift heavy boxes, but I didn’t expect Lou Farigno to show up at my door. It was crazy- they were hefting boxes three at a time, the same boxes I’d worried over lifting one at a time. And they literally ran up and down our week skinny staircase as though it was a quick jog through the park. They did admit later that our stairs ranked in the top 10 worst stairs ever and the stairs slowed them down considerably, but they were always good natured about it. They also remarked on the massive number of boxes we had somehow managed to jam into our apartment, which at last tally was somewhere close to 200 total. I was a wee bit embarrassed. They arrived at the exact same time as an enormous downpour, so in all I think our movers got a really crappy deal in the move. But we were ecstatic that someone else was doing the hard work of removing what took us 5 years to get up those stairs. We left the couch because there was no human way to get them back down the stairs without cutting the couch in half. We also seem to have left behind my grandmother’s African violet that I so carefully set aside, but other than that our lives are neatly stored in boxes in a truck somewhere between here and Connecticut.  So on Friday at 3:30, after cleaning out the place and leaving it in decent order for the new tenants, we hopped in our cars and started down I95 to Pennsylvania. The hope was that we’d get a little head start on the journey so we could be a little more relaxed with the rest of the trip. Instead we got caught in the most amazingly mind-numbing traffic. We knew it would be a problem, since we were to hit the New York traffic at, say, 5:00 on Friday afternoon, but we didn’t really expect it to take 5 hours to drive what would normally take 2-3 hours. When we arrived in Hazelton,PA to see that we’d only driven something like 150 miles, we were a little discouraged. But it turns out there was some car race or something in the Poconos and we were lucky to get a hotel room at all.

Saturday’s highlight was a visit with Ally and her sweet little J and MadDog. That was fun- they took us to a hip little restaurant where I ate better than I have in the past two months. Delicious, fresh, perfectly cooked broccoli with yummy chicken and delicious korma sauce. What more could a hungry traveler ask for? It was fabulous. And such a treat to meet someone who’s blog I’ve visited frequently in the past year. Sweets was surprisingly tolerant to meet a perfect stranger for lunch, and I think he had a very nice time as well, so it was all good.  We were sad to leave, especially when J was obviously ready for a party and a half.  It took all I had to not say the magic words (ice cream!) in order to buy ourselves a few more minutes of fun with their happy family. 
 

(I’m so irritated with starbucks right now! I came here specifically to use their internet and it’s just not working! Blargh!)

Sunday was spent speeding through Indiana and Missouri to get to Oklahoma. We did stop briefly to visit the eerily friendly precious moments chapel, but we were lucky enough to arrive just as they were closing and missed a look-see at the actual chapel. Darn. The gift shop was frightening enough for us, and we hopped back in the car relieved that we were able to avoid the vortex of cute that was sucking viciously at our heels as we ran away from all those big glistening eyes and gigantic heads and cute little bible phrases. If you want a bizarre experience and you’re in Missouri, I recommend the stop highly. If you’re especially keen on big sad eyes, you can camp out in their strangely clean campground and bask in the precious moments vibe all night long. (I just had the disturbing image of people who might actually be getting it on in that campground each night. I can’t think of anything less sexy than the precious moments campground. Although if my sole purpose for sex was procreation, I suppose this is as good a place as any.  Precious moments= officially orgasm free zone) (Another side note- there was a special Guy's Room” set aside by the store, with dark leather furniture and a gigantic plasma tv for the guys to relax in while ma and sissy shop to their heart’s content in the PM giftshop. It was very strange. I had a brief and entertaining moment imagining sweets in there, hanging with the guys, talking about jesus or whatever they do while PM promotional videos waste space on the plasma tv.)

We also stopped at the St Louis Arch for a little look see and lunch. Here are some photos.

 

Yesterday was spent racing through Oklahoma and Texas. Lots of roadwork. North Texas is just as boring as ever, even with the Cadillac Ranch and the Worlds Largest Cross to entertain us. I’m always amazed by the fact that no matter how big Amarillo gets, it still seems like one giant truck stop. We were briefly tempted to try to eat the 72 ounce steak in under an hour, but I didn’t think we would ever be able to eat beef again and that would be sad, so we sped on.

Driving into Santa Fe was dramatic and beautiful. There was a terrific lightning storm as we approached, and at times I thought perhaps it wasn’t the smartest thing to be driving directly into such an electric storm. But we powered on, and drove through the lightning and into the rain. It was the kind of rainstorm I’ve always loved- a classic New Mexico rainstorm. Just imagine: lightning, dark and ominous clouds, electric smell in the air, pitter, pitter SPLAT. Just like that, it feels like the world just threw a big bucket full of water on your car. Looking out over the city, you see rain and dust rising up in surprise as the water dumps down. Then, just as quickly as it began, the storm passes and the sky opens up again. Everything feels a little exposed, cleaner, and cooler in the wake of the storm. We drove home and had a few minutes before my dad and his crew arrived after a day of activities. It was delicious.

Last night I left the house and wandered around for a few minutes. The sky was partly cloudy but there were my stars, just where I left them, twenty years ago, when my mom moved me away from my home. I’m home again, and life is good. The lentil arrives tomorrow. Life begins again for us, in this new period and new beginning.

quick update:  starbucks was a big bust, I ended up writing this entry up on word and then cutting and pasting after we'd left to go to a real internet cafe.  AND sweets got a big time job offer and we're all so excited.  it's a good day. 

 

New York City, Imagine That

I had the nicest day today.  Can I tell you about my nice day?  Why am I even asking if I can tell you, because I am going to tell you about my nice day anyway.  Because it was just that nice.  Or lovely.  And lovely, actually.  nice, and lovely, and just plain good.

Today I did something I should have done a long time ago.  today I took a day off of my life and went into the city to do some long-awaited shopping.  Very long awaited.  That would have been nice in and of itself, but the special part of the day was meeting my long-time friend and spending the day with her.

This internet life is strange.  How is it possible to have friends I've never met, yet they feel practically like old friends.  But then when you meet you're embarrassed, especially when five minutes after meeting you step into your favorite store in the entire world and you can't help but be triple super happy excited because there you are with a new-old friend AND you're surrounded by piles of Japanese kitsch.  I realized that perhaps I should have made a quick visit to the store before we met, just so I could get that initial japan-love out of my system and focus on being a little less like a total dork upon meeting this very important person.  But I was too excited and distracted to make good decisions like that and instead I spent stupid money buying stupid hot chocolate and trying to look cool while waiting for important friend. 

We met at the Dean and Deluccas in Rockefeller center, the one with the windows that overlook the NBC studios where they tape the Today Show.  The studio has one of those ticker-tape style news reels going constantly.  I was trying to look for my important friend, sip my stupid hot chocolate, and try not to look like a complete idiot, and I kept missing the punchline to the ticker tape.  It was totally irritating!  So here's me:  jumpy, all gussied up for a day in the big city.  Looking out all the windows, trying not to be cranky about my waste of a hot chocolate.  Here's the news reel:  "was a famous composer."  Me: who was a famous composer!  damn it!  Who died?  GaH! Oh wait, it that her... no.  news reel: "was not travelling in the convoy at the time" me: Who? What convoy?  what happened?  What was that?  Arg! The president? Wait! Wait!

And then important friend walked up and the lovely day became that much more lovely.

We went to my favorite stores in Manhatten.  We went to a cool Kosher restaurant and I learned so much about kosher eating.  I'm very observant.  Sweets was wondering if the important friend was more than a little wierded out by my interest in Judaism.  I hope not.  I tried to play it cool.  We had great sandwiches and we had good conversation and it was really like meeting with an old friend because we knew so much about each other, so the discussion wasn't stilted with wierd things like "hmmm, it's crowded in here." and "gee, nice weather."  In fact, I don't think we even brought up the great sunny day once the entire time because we were too busy talking about other things.

Then we went to a yummy place that I won't even name because it was so yummy.  Okay, I'll name it.  It was Lush and I can't believe I've never been there before.  It was such an assault on the senses, I think I went blind for a minute.  But then I was brought back around by the woman with the high squeaky voice who introduced me to my new favorite item, Brazen Honey facial mask.  They won't link it on the website because they don't ship it because (get this) it has to be refrigerated.  Because it's just that good.  And it expires in like two weeks, so I am going to have the tightest pores in Connecticut come March 28th.

And then? More shopping.  At Kate's paperie, where I found even more reasons to not buy a house and spend my money on crafting supplies.  oops.  And then we went to buy lucious hot chocolate at marie belle and then it was time to go home.  And the lovely day had to end.  But it ended well, because I caught an earlier train than I had planned and happened to sit next to someone who left behind her Oscar's Double Edition Extra Big Fancy Lots of Pictures People magazine. 

Oh, lucky day.  My only regret is not getting a photo of me with the important person so I could share my big lucky happy lovely excited smile with the blogosphere and you could all see just how much of a dork I am.

humble home

Home again, finally.  The last twenty-four hours were a little difficult.  I had shaken a lot of the hatin' for a good part of the visit, but with the end in sight it was hard to ignore the urge to scream when I had to encounter the same irritating things for the millionth time.  The doorknob that only works when you really crank it, which then makes the edges cut into your hands like some sadistic homeowner's delight.  The stupid gates on every door to keep the dogs out of the rooms.  The toilet paper that sucks so much more than your beloved (and expensive) toilet paper.  The very high water use toilet that requires you to hold down the handle for at least five seconds, allowing all the water in Providence, RI to swirl through the tank right before your eyes.  Right before your eyes because what else are you going to watch while standing there holding that godforsaken handle down but that cheap toilet paper swirling around in a waterfall of waste.  It was one insult after another.

And then there was the mother in law.  I really am grateful to have a mother in law who is so dedicated to her grandchild and her son.  Please, forgive me for the bitch session to follow, I can't help myself.

The woman couldn't wipe my son's nose to save her life.  I would leave him in her care for thirty minutes, then have to spend the next thirty minutes with hot damp towels trying to dislodge the little booger plugs that had set up shop in his nostrils.  He looked like a poor little destitute, parentless little-orphan-annie orphan with all that crud hanging out on his face.  Of course it was bugging him, so he'd first lick at it as it was creeping down his lip, then start rubbing it everywhere.  By the time I got at him with the towel his whole face was crusty with booger paste.  His little eyebrows were glued in the strangest formations and the skin on his forehead was all crinkly and wrinkly from a faux skin of booger.  It he were bald he would have looked like winston churchill.

And the dishes!  There are about five different sets of china in her house, and none of them are in places where normal people would put dishes (like in the cabinets.)  The cabinets were full of random ages old remnants of crystal sets- a little martini glass here, a teeny thimble tumbler there.  And the tiny little glass stolen from swissair that my mother in law used to drink her teeny little portion of cranberry juice.  It was like living in the teeny tiny house on the teeny tiny farm where the teeny tiny people eat their teeny tiny food and the teeny tiny sheep graze on the teeny tiny fields of teeny tiny grass.  I couldn't help but feel sorry for the people who survived using the original sets of those crystal sets- they must have been perpetually thirsty.  But I couldn't find a single plate for anything.  And then, when a plate was procured, there were specific instructions about its care.  Some could go in the dishwasher, some couldn't, some could be microwaved, some couldn't.  Basically, the dishware situation was so complicated, I refused to do dishes or serve food.  It was just too much effort to try to make sense of the "system." I can appreciate a good system when it works for someone, but this was just ridiculous.

So yeah, we're home again.  And I'm not leaving again for another sixteen million months.  be it ever so humble, there's no place like home.

new york

We packed up the family, loaded up the suitcases and went to the big city this past weekend.  It was intended to be a big two night fest with hotels and feasting new york style and lots of friends.  We even made a list of all the friends we wanted to see.  After delaying the decision to go, then not realizing that hotel rooms go quickly in the city, we whittled our list down to one night, a few friends, and a single museum.  I'm going to list high points and low points, just to stay on track.

Low points:

• The 4-5-6 train was all screwey, so our initial trip out to Brooklyn was absolutely haywire.  For those not in the know, New York people like to talk transit.  So this little bullet point is for you.  See, we were supposed to take the 4-5 to Fulton station, then transfer to the A-C, which would take us to Atlantic ave.  Three people, one in a stroller, and a backpack and a roller suitcase.  But the train we caught wasn't going to Fulton station due to some subway shenanigans.  So we were forced off at Brooklyn Bridge and advised to take a J or M train to Fulton.  Which we eventually did, after being totally confused about which side of the platform to stand on.  Then we made our transfer to the C train, but we got on a C express train without knowing it, and thought we were sitting pretty until we passed Atlantic.  So then we had to go to Nostrand and switch directions.  But to do this we were required to leave the station, cross the street, and then enter again.  So we did that, but we crossed the wrong street and ended up on the same platform.  So we went out and crossed the street and were on the correct platform and quite a bit irritated.  To the point of almost crying, irritated.  Because see, the subway is below ground.  And every time you have to change trains, you have to climb stairs.  And we had a stroller with a sleeping babe (don't dare disturb the baby!) and a suitcase.  Sure, we could have taken the elevators, but that is so wuss, even we didn't think of it.  So we just dealt with it, and eventually made it to the correct station and then that is a good thing so I will get to that.  But then on the way home we were starting to have similar hijinks, so as soon as we made it to Manhatten we just got off the freaking subway and took a cab.  What might normally take an hour took us forever. 
• I didn't get to see persephone, even though that was one of the things I was most excited about.  I had this whole scenario in my mind about how cool it would be to meet her in person and how we would talk like normal human beings, or perhaps like sims with little diamonds over our heads.  But that was not to be.  Babies have bedtimes, and families have responsibilities and it was completely understandable that we wouldn't meet this time around.  But I was very disappointed.
• Sweets went out partying with an old friend (which is a good thing) but was hung over the next day and I felt bad for him.  And now he seems to have come down with some sort of cold, which makes life even worse for him.

And high points:

• By some fluke, they still hadn't taken down all the gates, so we were able to walk through them and marvel at their orangeness and marvel a little at what we were marvelling at exactly.  But we felt lucky, and that's what matters.
• The boy traveled extremely well.  We're better at respecting his needs, so I think I can pat us parentos on the back a little, but he was a real treat to be with.  I think he really enjoyed getting to see new stuff.  He played well with his new friends that he met, and he was just a lot of fun.  He loved the Museum of Natural History (which still bugs me that they have Native Americans as part of their exhibits, but whatever) and was appropriately impressed with the butterflies exhibit.  He had no problem hanging in his cheap freebie stroller, which was so much easier on our backs.  thank goodness.
• We got to meet my friend's newish baby, which was a delight.  Little Cece is a gorgeous girl with a sweet demeanor.  We loved her, the lentil loved her, it was good.  We imposed ourselves on her family perhaps longer than we should have, but it was worth it.  I love seeing old friends.  The photo below is of Cece's mom, an old friend of mine from nursing school.  Hi!
• The lentil did amazingly well on the train, even sleeping for most of the ride home.  I love it.

So we'll go back again soon. 

On the way home, we were seated by two young women, not associated with each other, who were very chatty.  One was obsessed with build-a-bear, and had to show off her two new bears.  we sort of blew her off as a freak until she told us that they also make monkeys.  Gotta check that out!  The other woman was kind of wierdo, but we were a captive audience.  She fell asleep when the lentil did, thank goodness.  But at one point during the trip she said that the lentil was so attractive, he was going to make some girl very happy some day.  And in my head I automatically filled in the "or boy" statement.  as in: he will make some girl or boy very happy some day.  And then I thought of hmalbert and wade and knew I had to mention it here.  I miss you guys!

So, yeah.  It was a good weekend.  I will be back.